Current Mood: confused
Current Music: fair rising morn ~ david phillips

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gender words

so ... in simplest way , would say gender is man and woman , but not really fully identify with those specific words . not wrong gender , just prefer more specific connotation of something like maiden . in that way , man and woman sort of umbrellas , yes ? would say maiden evoke woman of delicate aesthetics and demeanours , romantic ideals - and when pair with fae , elements of danger and unfamiliarity , draw in with supposedly-innocent allure .

problem is , still struggle to find male pair word that really feel right - men just never really have such images , and so male words that evoke playfulness and appearance of innocence very specifically feel tie to youth . as well something like lord , while fun and do sometimes like to play with royal titles for giggles , just feel too formal and " put together " ... and still not sure how feel about hypothetical combinations of lord-maiden or maiden-lord . very cool , but not sound too approachable for everyday use !

bah ... well , on fun side , did come up with childhood equivalent in place of boygirl . again , not bad word , just not specific enough connotation for tastes . so : ladsie , from lassie and laddie .

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devlog entry #12

got annoyed that godot doesn't have any simple method (that i can find) to automatically capitalize text without ruining bbcode so obviously the best solution is to make a custom font where the lowercase letters are (mostly) identical to the uppercase letters

honestly i'm actually kinda glad i did this because it means that i'm using a bitmap font that's mostly monospace and doesn't have weird pixel alignment artifacts

(no subject)

sharpening gnomes down to a point where they're so thin they're invisible to the naked eye and releasing them into the world so people keep getting three-body-problemed and nobody knows what's going on. but I know. it's the razor wire gnomes project

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: the faerie's kiss ~ david arkenstone

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m:vg: the elder scrolls: oblivion

oblivion ~ wabbajack-only progress

most recent project in oblivion is wabbajack-only challenge run ! did briefly explain once before , but to explain better :

wabbajack is artifact of sheogorath , which upon successful magical contact , will transform creature target into another creature . in other words , can not affect people , nor enemies that share NPC classification . this include bandits , vampires , dremora , and others .

what target transform into come from small selection - some of these will still be hostile , others will be passive . this transformation last for 10 seconds , after which original creature return with full health .

this is fun novelty at best for most people , as wabbajack can not damage or kill enemies . however , something else important to note is that targets will lose affiliation and become wild . this is key to entire run - mankar camoran , who is absolutely mandatory kill and reside in area without any natural creature spawns , summon daedroth and dremora . while dremora class as NPC , daedroth class as creatures ! can use wabbajack to make those very minions wildly attack mankar camoran , so long as lucky enough to get daedroth ...

anyway , this is general strategy for every single mandatory encounter - jump around and dodge while fire wabbajack blasts and hope for good luck on transformations . yeah , yakety sax is basically theme song of this run ! mostly post about this run on TES tumblr blog , for ability to upload videos and lack of need to manage user-side storage , but some highlights include :

spies in bruma , in which really just have to run around and hope guards would be nice enough to help
quest for azura's star , in which rely on stunted scamps from nearby oblivion gate to kill vampires - of course , normally would never recommend anyone to actually sacrifice azura's star to martin , but desperate times call for desperate measures . and also cheat in 100 varla stones to restore charges anyway so would be redundant :P
everything about sancre tor , in which ferry around gaggles of ghosts
get better and better at cheese oblivion gates , with help of silly geometry , silly collision , and general improvements in ability as player behind keyboard to dodge and run away
just watch king of miscarcand's very own minion , now as ogre , beat down thoroughly
actually figure out wabbajack science !
and lots of silly things , like this guard who walk inside of bridge , or this one from inside of wall , or this goblin who become citisen of imperial city , or whatever gaius prentus did here , that jerk

next up is defense of bruma and great gate , which is maybe most nervous part of run . hopefully can get some passive transformations to temporarily thin out numbers so soldiers do not get completely overrun , or even hostile ones that can create infights while soldiers hold out .

Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: enchanted fairy forest ~ nature sound retreat

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everyday: random thoughts

bahh

wake up with neck and shoulder ache , try to mitigate pain . turn into headache instead , which only now dull down . such is life ... get some fun stuff done in both minecraft and oblivion , at least .

Current Location: new home!

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Welsh has no words for "yes" or "no"

"Welsh has no word for yes or no" always seems a bit strange to me. Because yes there's no one single Welsh word that is used for "yes" or "no" that directly translates to all the English uses of "yes"/"no". But the Welsh words we use instead still mean "yes" or "no". They would still translate to "yes" or "no" in English.

Like, "ydw" as an answer literally means "I am" but that means "yes" essentially, yes? Like you'd still translate it to "yes" if you were translating a Welsh text to English.

"Wyt ti'n mynd?" "Ydw, dwi'n mynd" -> original Welsh
"Are you going?" "I am, I'm going" -> more literal translation
"Are you going?" "Yes, I'm going" -> translation that keeps the tone/feel the same between the two languages

The "I am" in the English translation sounds more emphatic like "yes, I definitely am going!" whereas it doesn't sound emphatic in the Welsh. Like it just translates to "yes" in this context.

Current Location: new home!

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Curmi

The only Gaulish word I know is "curmi" which means ale/beer and I suppose some people would say that's the only word you need to know.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: stop along the riverbank by the whispering woods ~ wyrd gnome

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everyday: random thoughts

mystery box experience

go out aimlessly today and resist several silly impulses , but ... give into one .

generally hate everything mystery box toys stand for , and swear promise to selves would not buy one unless whole collection visible on package and every single one appeal . not with intent to start collection , just so know will be happy with any outcome genuinely .

bah , of course minecraft would be what finally break that streak . sort of " help " in this regard that kind of regret part with some of old minecraft toys years ago . so um ... yeah , have squishy little creeper now .

if anything , weirdly kind of happy that break streak - not because this was super amazing absolute need , but because know how that unbox experience feel . always hear how others talk about this stuff , and can reflect on digital gacha game experiences , but physical element of this was lost on kossai . dare say actually kind of overwhelm .

yeah , think if tempt by mystery box toys in future , will stick to video reviews !

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Location: Zebes
Current Music: Relics of the Chozo

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Self-Care for Autistic People: Emotional Self-Care, Part 1

Notes on Self-Care for Autistic People by Dr. Megan Anna Neff

Emotional Self-Care

Autistic Burnout

Signs of Autistic Burnout

Constant Fatigue
Heightened sensory sensitivity
Decline in skills such as:
- Focusing
- Organizing
- Problem solving
- Speaking
Increased anxiety, irritability, and feelings of overwhelm
Decreased tolerance for change and more reliance on sameness and predictability
Social isolation
Loss of interest in hobbies and enjoyable activities
Reduced ability to Mask

Avoiding Burnout

Identify methods of restorative rest that work for you, and prioritize them. Do not let internalized ableism lead you to burnout by attempting to "push through" or trying to live up to allistic expectations.

Engage in a Sensory Detox when overstimulated. Determine what kinds of sensory environment is healing and restful for you, and use it as needed.

Prioritize

Drop unnecessary demands when feeling overwhelmed. Before burnout strikes, develop a list of things that can be skipped or deferred when the situation demands.

Try making a 3 tiered list of responsibilities

Green: Can be skipped or defferred with little consequence
Yellow: Can be skipped or delayed sometimes when needed
Red: Necessary responsibilities difficult to skip or defer without consequences

Comfort Media

Familiar, comforting media can be restorative in times of stress. Keep a list of favorite books, movies, music, etc, and turn to them when needed.

Brain Dump

You may find it helpful to clear your head by getting all your thoughts onto paper so they're not taking up space in your brain. Try the following:

To-Do Lists
Free Writing
Write down all your creative ideas
List the sources of your stress
List things you are grateful for
List your current emotions without judging them
Write down anything on your mind before bed to help you sleep

Boundaries & Self-Advocacy

Manage Hyper-Empathy

A consistent routine can keep you grounded
Engage in your special interest to tune out overwhelming emtions and the world's problems
Spend time with people who positively influence your mood.
Set and maintain healthy boundaries
Manage your news consumption
Use rituals such as visualization to release the weight of the world's pain and suffering
Find ways to create positive change in areas important to you

Evaluate your personal relationships for toxicity

Are there recurring instances of criticism, manipulation, and control?
Do they make you feel unsafe, anxious, or doubt your self-worth?
Do they make you feel comfortable and safe?
Do they openly criticize or ridicule you?
Do you feel manipulated?
Do they use affection as a control tactic?
Do they try to control you?

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: alluring undines and mermaids ~ llewellyn

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everyday: dream journal

dream journal ~ bathrooms

can now think of number of dreams where some sort of weird bathroom was at centre focus , with one or more of these traits :

unable to lock door , someone walk in as kossai use toilet - must now deal with social interaction and impart some wise lesson
bathroom is extremely messy and gross - puddles , used diapers , but too desperate to just hold off
there is some sort of weird creature - may be friendly , may be hostile , may also just be toilet skitter around

very silly ... very silly indeed .

Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: dance of the mirlitons ~ metamorphose string orchestra, composed by tchaikovsky

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m:vg: a midsummer night's choice

a midsummer night's choice

talk with one of friends yesterday about some shakespeare stuff ( kossai is not very knowledgeable sadly ) and remember actually have game , a midsummer night's choice . fun , silly , maybe also get emotional :P

brief summary : player is noble whose father hope to marry off in political allegiance , so rather choose to run into forest , circumstantially in cross-gender disguise . several romance paths ( one of which is to say no one at all ) , choice of whether to side with humans or faeries , and of course , hijinks . would say full attentive playthrough take probably 1.5 to 2 hours , but can get by quicker once understand gist of story .

unfortunately there is no non-binary choices of characters - player can choose for 3 characters , but each must be either man or woman . player's personal character choice will also influence 2 other characters . on sweet side , though not sure if consequential , there is scene in which player can reflect on how cross-gender disguise feel - potentially , more comfortable !

Happy Halloween!

Didn't get to do much for it this year, though I at least got to bake and eat a pumpkin pie.

Shame, it's my favorite of the holidays of USA American Christian culture. Witches and werewolves, bats and black cats, ravens and owls and skeletons and slime, indulging in strange and occult, in a terrifying and wonderful magic, being up late at night and the magic of seeing glowing fire in the darkness, holding my dad's hand as we walked through our wooded semi-rural neighborhood, the dry cold air on my face... too squeemish for gory movies, never was cool enough to be a goth. But October is a good month, for an autistic little wolfaboo who felt wonder at the glow of even ordinary car and traffic lights in blue-black darkness, sitting in the backseat of the car and staring out the window.

It's also the anniversary of Deltarune's CH1 release. Heh...

I feel like October would've been a good month to re-watch Yugioh '98, but I was always busy... now it's too late for that. Does anyone else ever have anime that they think of as good "Halloween" watches? Or just generally shows that aren't actually "for" a particular time of year, but that you feel is appropriate in setting, tone, or subject matter for a particular holiday season...

I should have also re-watched Over the Garden Wall this month... my mother wanted to do that with me. Oh well.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: immortal dawn ~ mike rowland

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ASMR woes - & help ?

never really do much with ASMR even though really want to enjoy because just have such specific needs with this stuff , like honestly lucky if even find one that work .

just today , brain is in weird sludgy state , itch to calm down and trance but too busy to get there without help . right , OK , some kind of unintelligible gibberish ASMR might help - someone's voice , deliberately calm and quiet , but also no meaning that need to focus on .

but quickly find out that also need this to be :

soft spoken but not all whisper , too much whisper agitate
low on voiceless plosives ( p/t/k ) and other clicky mouth sounds , those sounds agitate
not clear enough to distinguish " words " , so nothing that try to mimic language like simlish
slow and steady with minimal intonation , not try to emulate real casual speech
solely gibberish ( apart from skippable intro/outro ) rather than switch between

everything that find so far unfortunately tick off one or more of these problem areas , all but one that is by ephemeral rift of all fucking people . maybe just not good enough at keyword searches for this , but would like if possible to find someone else without tasteless and cruel history . for sake of example should probably share video that work well for kossai , so that would be unintelligible doctor by ephemeral rift .

will probably also help to explain why these things problems , so : HOH , and audio process is big struggle that take up lots of brain power , between follow intonation , distinguish sounds and words from each other , fill in gaps that fail to comprehend , and keep up with pace .
when brain is sludgy , need to be able to just turn that shit off and keep off - but anything that mimic ( or is ) true language and speech force back on . this is also why can not just use another real language , even one that have no comprehension of , because brain still pick up on these things .

Current Mood: sick

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Workin' On A Different Thing

A collage of Deltarune sprites seated at a long table. Kris stands in the center and the other characters look on with expressions of shock, anger, and sadness. From left to right: Gerson, Jevil, Tenna, Spamton, Susie, Toriel, Kris, Berdly, Ralsei, Noelle, Rouxls Kaard, Queen, and Lancer. All lightners are in their Dark World form.

WIP, constructive criticism welcome.

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Mink Car -- They Might Be Giants

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Self-Care for Autistic People: Body Care

Notes on Self-Care for Autistic People by Dr. Megan Anna Neff

Body Care

Interoception

If you have trouble with interoception (noticing the signals your body is sending you), try these.

Use a visual schedule or visual reminders for eating, drinking, bathroom breaks, etc.
Set alarms and timers to remind you when to take a break, check in with your body, etc.
Set a hydration goal for the day.
Use a checklist
Simplify your routine when possible

You can also improve interoception by practicing a body scan.

Food

Keep frozen food on hand for low-energy days.
Set up predictable meal routines, like "Taco Tuesday."
Work from recipes with visual instructions
Identify and stock up on safe foods (foods that you know you tolerate well)
Many people with Autism benefit from taking the following supplements:

Vitamin D
Omega-3 Fatty Acids
Magnesium
Zinc
B Vitamins

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: coral bells upon their heads ~ sprites of the wood

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everyday: random thoughts

like people always say

brain pace around and feel like animal ready to tear out of cage , so ... end up meander around and look at people's decorations . not super big on celebrate halloween personally , but fun to see others get in spirit - decorative times of year always fun times to meander for that reason .

should definitely meander more often , sometimes get so stuck in house just because lack energy for " real " plans , but obviously reach limits that way .

Current Mood: awake

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Self-Care for Autistic People: Sleep

Notes on Self Care for Autistic People by Dr. Megan Anna Neff

Sleep

Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day.
Remove distracting objects from your bedroom
Decorate your bedroom with soothing and calming objects
Only use the bedroom for sleep and sex, or screen your bed off from the rest of the room
Keep the temperature low at night, and eliminate distracting lights and noises
Don't use screens for one hour before bedtime
Try breathing exercises, visualizations, or progressive muscle relaxation to relax for sleep
Set up sensory cues to signal bedtime
Try wearing an eye mask or using blackout curtains
Try using a sound machine or app, or wearing earplugs
Invest in quality, comfortable bedding
Use a fan for air circulation

Try Cognitive Shuffling

Start off by picking a simple word like “door” or “lamp.”
Next, break it down by focusing on each letter of that word and thinking of other words that start with that letter. If you choose the word “lamp,” you could think of “lemon,” “ladder,” “laptop,” etc. Once you can’t think of any other “l” words, move onto “a” words, then “m” words, and then “p” words.
Keep going until the randomness of this mental exercise gradually makes you lose focus.

Current Mood: pleased

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The Ages of Team MZ

( Contains spoilers for Pokemon Legends Z-A... Continue? )

Current Mood: curious
Current Location: new home!

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Gaulish

I went to a conference yesterday and there was a talk about Brittonic languages in Britain and Gaulish, and now I really want to study Gaulish. I quite like historical linguistics I think, I want to explore it more.